Oh Baby!

Rick and I had always wanted to have at least three kids. Who are we kidding--we were both older when we got married. We had Ryder right away, and thought we could get three children no problem. I mean seriously, we are young at heart :)  Getting pregnant with Ryder was such a breeze and the pregnancy was so smooth that I absolutely loved being pregnant. I was able to work full time & on top of that still go to the gym everyday. Never in a million years would I have ever thought that I would not be able to have another child. I can't begin to tell you how much my heart aches for a baby- I yearn for one more. I look back and I think what if I would have done some things differently. I see others having babies & I think, "why can't I". What makes my heart ache the most is when Ryder says his prayers. Ever since he learned to pray he has always prayed for a baby. He went for asking for a baby and then to asking for a baby brother & now he says, "I will take a baby sister even though I would rather have a baby brother." He badly wants to be a big brother and I know he would make a great big brother. I am also sad for Rick. If anyone could catch a glimpse at what a great dad he is to Ryder you would know how lucky a child is to have him for a dad. Rick and I both have strong and great relationships with our siblings and I want Ryder to experience that.
Rick and I have explored so many avenues and I try to remain hopeful. I was talking to my brother the other day & he said, "have you ever thought it was not in the cards but that it is a test of faith?" I took a few days to really think about that. I do know that this is something that I need to go through and to learn from.
In the meantime I will continue to have faith and to hope. It does make me very thankful that we were able to have Ryder.